Sometimes I worry maybe what I portray in the social media about who I am seems a little bit.. hypocritical? Like I see things from positive side, I think I’m always lucky and blessed, I respect people, I see people based on their character instead of their status, and maybe there are more, but I can only remember those right now. I worry that maybe from my actions, people see me differently and I’m not those things. The worst part is I don’t even know that I’m not those things. Maybe I project what I think is right to myself, without me necessarily doing those things, instead I portrayed myself as such.
But also, at another state of my brain, I’m not worried at all about what those people think (WTF, contradictory to first paragraph?) When you’re human, you can think in multiple ways about a sort of thing, without tying yourself to that POV/thinking. Sometimes I wonder if other people’s brain also behave like this. I have been questioning everything since I can remember. I can always put myself in others’ shoes. I think it has something to do with my quirk, that leads to my unacceptance that made me question everything. The thing about seeing from everyone’s POV, slowly you lose your identity. You don’t know which side you’re on. But does identity even matter? Why picking side when we can pick the truth side? And why do we need identity if it means separation from other human beings? By picking a side, then you basically antagonize the other side. If you can mold into anything, does that mean you have no integrity? I think integrity has to have a subject. Like, integrity to violence is different from integrity to justice. About me, integrity to one way of thinking, I don’t have. But pretty sure I do have integrity about certain values like don’t do what you don’t want to do to others. I keep looking for the answer, until I deep-dived more into buddhism.
After learning about buddhism, and a few practices of meditation, this is what I realized. (I think I have a talent for meditation, sometime I’ll tell about it). Our ‘true self’ is separate from our thinking. This loud mind who does the thinking most of the time. it’s not singular. It was influenced heavily by ‘karma.’ Karma here is not ‘what you reap is what you sow,’ no, not at all. Karma is any factor that influences everything in life. So when I say, our thinking is influenced by karma, it means that what I think, is influenced heavily by a collection of:
1. My birth trait which was influenced by my parents’ DNA (internal)
2. What I experienced so far (external)
3. What I reflect about everything that has happened to me (internal).
Our true self, in a sense, is God. But not that ‘God’, not that all-po
werful God. Not that God that gets angry when someone doesn’t pray to Him. Our true self is the universe itself. Neutral. Without consciousness. This definition of Karma, is what Buddha truly meant. Our true self, you can call it soul, is something pure. Only if you grasp the essence of soul through meditation, then you will finally understand what this ‘soul’ I’m talking about is like.
Through this meditation, I have a question that arises, is reaching the state of Nibbana (or Nirvana) the same as having a mental state of death while being alive? Because through meditation, although temporary, I had the experience of feeling the ultimate endless peace. I suspected that’s how death felt like. Almost every near death experience (NDE) survivor said death feels peaceful. And in some religion they say death is meeting with the creator. It is definitely true. But it’s not like a person meeting another grand person-God. It is that you are back into the universe.
This time I’ll connect death with science a little bit.
Have you ever asked why every living thing is afraid of death? If you contemplate long enough, you will eventually arrive at the answer further than just, “because we’re wired so.” My answer is because being afraid of death is what makes ‘you’ survive. Forget about all fictions about how humans came about. I 100% believe we truly started from chemical compounds. They say life is improbable, that life’s chance was 1/billionths years. Even if the chance of life is so minuscule, like 1 second per 1 billion years, then just wait for 1 billion years, then in that 1 second, life is created and that is all that is needed for life to conquer the earth: its own creation. Life is called life, because this simple chemical compound has a special ability: multiply.
Multiply it goes, and with each multiplication, there are differences and that’s where natural selection happens. Those that are suited for the earth, survived. If you understand this, you will realize just how magnificent the discovery of natural selection by Charles Darwin was. It was truly eye-opening and explained so much of our world and why things were. And back to the question of why we are afraid of death, it’s because the traits that were not afraid of death, did not survive. Being afraid of death is the one trait that was brought by our ancestors since life was just a single-celled organisms. So you can imagine the magnitude of this certain passed traits.
Okay so this rap/yap/rant/whatever has been going without direction. This is what ADHD feels like. Thinking about one thing, and then it wanders around a different topic, but it can somehow still connect. Actually there are a lot of branches from what I have written but I tried to stay focused so that this writing is more readable.
Goofythinker 