As I was doing my lateral raise as per usual — which has reached 36kg (both hands), with 8 reps and 3 sets — (and yes I am flexing here),
I reached my phone during rest, which is a habit I tend to do because what else are you supposed to do during rest? Was I supposed to be mindful of my breath, the fatigue on my body, the sensation of my muscle soreness? If I do that all the time, I feel like I would become a mindless being, yet that time I chose to let my habit overwhelmed me.
I recently had uninstalled Instagram because now I’m going on a super strict diet involving eggs. Yes, only eggs I’m allowed to eat, and maybe chicken could be allowed, too, but no oil, at all. Since my recent medical check up result didn’t show a good one despite my gym consistency.
Then I opened the photos app, just randomly, I had no plan of opening that.
Then I saw pictures of my old years. Then with every photo, I gave a comment silently.
Oh wow I looked so different then.Look how thin I was. But somehow I always felt fat. I think it was because of my skinny fat.My teeth made me look ugly. How I wished I had started using braces earlier. I would be more handsome lmao. But I guess it would teach my humility hahahah I was just joking don’t take it too seriously.My mom who had always supported me. Then I remembered the time I had a fight with my mom. Like I hated her with all my heart. But I am wiser now and that should have never happened. She was controlling but she did it with best intention in her heart. How she did it might be wrong but I should have been a better person and more understanding. With how I felt right now, with how mindful I am currently, I regretted the hatred I let out that time and I am teary while writing this.She is now getting older by 9 years since this photo was taken. She was just like me, still learning how to be human, navigating life as a mother. Never sure what she was supposed to do but must be strong for her children. The feeling I am now in, I see things from bigger perspective, small matters don’t bother me no more. What matters is how we connect as humans. We are all the same matter in different forms. I hope I can keep being mindful like this.My siblings who were full of love. We might be fighting sometimes. But the difference between me then and me right now was that me then thought that some words that they said could affect me negatively. But the me right now would not be affected at all my mere words. I know who I am, what I am, and I now could see those words that caused me anger were just mere words. After all they were the beings that were with me most of the times. They knew me better than most people, and despite some of their humanely bad habits -which I also have-, they all have a good heart who wished people’s best interest and would want nothing to harm others.Again, my mom was very young in this picture. She’s in her 40s and now she’s in her 50s. Deep inside, she’s still a little girl. Her upbringing was not easy. Broken home and during her earlier years of building a family, having just enough money to manage. But life has been blessing her. She’s blessed for having a content heart, the heart that accepted things that have happened wholeheartedly. She’s also blessed for having a very responsible, providing, and upright husband, which was because she never wished for a rich husband and just accept someone who loved her.
Maybe after writing this post, I would later fall into mindlessness again. Doing my old same habits of mingling into pointless conversations and quarreling about unimportant things. How I wished I would be woken up then.
Before long, if nature happened how nature was supposed to happen, she would be gone before I do. Then after I’m also gone, I could then tell the universe that one of my biggest blessing was having her as a mother.
Goofythinker 