I have believed that I am one of those kind people.

But am I kind, if I purposely avoid my bad-mouthed aunty whom I helped a few months ago?

Around 6 months ago, nearing 2026 Chinese New Year, there was a flood around our neighbourhood. There was this aunt, from father’s side, who lived nearby. She was almost 80 years old. She tried to reach something and fell, broke one of her cartillage.

My mom was the first to bring her to the doctor. Then there were other members of the family who also helped. And at last, I accompanied her to the hospital for the last 3-4 times.

All in all, when accompanying her, I experienced firsthand what a terrible person she was. The deceits, lies, bad-mouthing, ingratitude, basically every time she opened her mouth, it was another sin recorded by God (or angels, depends on what you believe.)

I don’t know at which boundary I am a kind person.

If I am kind, shouldn’t I still pour my heart into her?

But why when I saw her across the street, I secretly hoped she didn’t notice me?

Or even when she did, I would just smile and went along, avoiding interaction? I realized and knew old people would appreciate simple conversations very much, but let it be not me.

Am I just another hypocrite?

Do I overthink it too much?

Does being kind to everyone an impossibility?

Is it still called being kind with boundaries?

Or am I, not kind, at all?

It’s easy when not knowing, you want everyone to be happy.

It’s easy when everyone around you is a good person, and you believe everyone deserves to be happy.

But once you get to know how selfish someone can be. How someone can and are willing to gain advantage at other people’s expense. How can you truly believe everyone deserve to be happy? If them being happy means them hurting someone else.

And also, what if the person already has enough but because of his greed, he’s never happy.

In Buddhism, we have to “love” other people in order to be happy. In a way, this is actually self-serving. Because we know there’s no way other people can be truly happy, unless they work it out themselves.

But I also get a hint that it is pragmatism. Buddhism’s goal is for you to be liberated, in other words, achieving a state of Nirvana. And the realistic approach is by growing the love inside you.

Because in Buddhism, you and only you matter. We can’t control other people. You can only control you.

Just last weekend, I spent my evening having conversations and mingling around random people.

There was this event being held by an organizer, where random strangers met, knowing one another, holding conversations.

The photos from the event were just shared last night, and I just had the chance to view the photos today.

Looking at the pictures, I can’t help but remember that at the time of the event, there were some people whose vibes I didn’t like.

Yes, I realized not liking people is a bad habit of mine. I judge too quickly. I should have known that people come from different backgrounds and are from different phases of their lives.

But also to be fair, I always give the benefit of the doubt. I treat people all the same whether my subconscious decide if I like a person or not, because I know sometimes I’m wrong.

I don’t know if it’s confirmation bias, but usually my gut feeling is correct according to my experience. Sometimes it’s wrong, but it’s mostly correct.

Okay so what I’m gonna write here is the breakdown of what makes me dislike someone from the first few minutes of interacting:

1. The person who seems like they have to act ‘perfectly’. They speak carefully. It’s almost like they pick their words purposely to create an image of themselves of their liking. Like they’re acting. And their eyes feel like they judge everything from your face to your movements. The kind of people who calculate whether you will bring benefit to them or not. You can also feel like they’re not interested in a conversation. With these kind of people, usually when they know you are no one, they won’t even look at you. But when they know you’re someone, or you’re rich rich, suddenly they become so friendly. Not genuine.
2. The people with very low EQ. They talk by themselves. They are bad at listening. Basically someone who’s oblivious and ignorant.

In contrast, the kind of people I actually like is people who are simple, who say things as it is, unmasked, who are unafraid to say wrong things, and usually you can feel that they’re genuine. Genuine people.

Of course needless to say there are layers of personality from a person. And everything depends on the context of relationship between me and the person. But the context of this writing is between a new stranger and I.

Read this as a breakdown of how my subconscious mind works.

Now that I contemplate about it. I think I have a sensitive soul.

I make this conclusion by remembering about what I was thinking when playing with my niece. It’s almost like I can get into their mind and I know how best to teach them anything. I know when I should be assertive and I know when I should be an angel. I know how to make them like or hate me. And I also know what actions result to what feelings inside them.

Or maybe it’s not being a sensitive soul?

Maybe it’s just overanalyzing and pattern seeking behavior?

Or maybe it’s a scarier thing, is it sociopathy?

The kind of sociopathy that’s being used for goodness.

I think the biggest gift that I have is my attitude.

It leads me to a delusion where I think everyone is kind to me.

Strangers on the road often give way to me.

Truck drivers helped me when I wanted to cross the road.

Or when 90% of the time I’m on the road, the traffic is often smooth.

Or when I brushed a food cart when riding motorcycle by accident, we both say sorry at the same time.

I have, three times, got in trouble on the road with other people, which were actually my mistakes. But they all were helpful and wasn’t angry with me or anything.

I think it was because of my attitude, of which I lowered my head, asked for forgiveness, sincerely, and they could see that.

I also think perhaps they see my confidence. I have noticed that people can instinctively sense weakness, maybe through the eyes and body movement. And if you’re weak, then your nice attitude will only be seen as your defense mechanism, not a deliberate choice. They will then take your nice attitude for granted.

My luck is that so far I have never met troublesome people. Because I know there are people out there who are happy to take advantage from other people. People who are happy to trouble others for their own advantage. People who are already contaminated beyond helping. I just hope I won’t encounter people like that.

No matter how good you are,

How pure your heart is,

If you still live among this society,

How much of a value you are is translated from your wealth.

Without wealth you are no one.

Imagine your pain, if you’re poor and you really want to help someone.

But helping that person means sacrificing your time, comfort, and your family.

Or you can help, but you can’t solve their problem. Let’s say 5% of their problem solved.

And now imagine the ease of helping others if you have money.

You spend 0,0001% of your money and it alleviates 100% of someone else’s problem.

To you, it’s nothing, you don’t even think about it. But to the one being helped would appreciate the one who solves 100% of his/her problem.

That’s why to be kind, you have to be wealthy.

Okay, so even though I have always portrayed myself as emotionally stable person, there are some things that I just took notice can annoy me so much.

Have you ever met a person, with her ignorance, dare to say other people are less knowledgeable than her?

That’s the kind of person I hate the most.

Stupid people who think they’re smart.

In my life, I have always tried to avoid conflicts (unless when it’s necessary or unavoidable, of course). Because I find most of them are pointless. That’s why in debates, I never intend to discredit other people’s opinions. I usually tend toward finding the middle ground where I can understand your pov and you can also understand mine. Debates, to me, are when you try to sort out a common problem and find the best solution that fit everyone’s needs.

Somehow in life, I think most people debate to win. They turn it into a competition. The topics don’t matter anymore. The purpose turned into defending your stance as hard as possible. And I don’t understand why. It’s such a stupid thing to do to defend a stance, when all of us can benefit better when we find the best solution for everyone.

I have met a lot of people in my life. And there are and these these stupid people who think they’re smart, usually they are blessed (or maybe cursed) by their ability to contrue words. They can indeed argue well, but they’re also good at missing the context of a debate. My guess is they either imitated this from their parents, or developed this as a defense mechanism to their environments.

Okay, now back to the title.

What was this stupid thing that got me angry?

Basically what started all of these is a post from a guy who mentioned his suspicion towards 5-star google review restaurants with thousands of reviews and his disappontment towards restaurants who gave away freebies if the customer gave 5-star reviews.

And then a girl mentioned that she disagreed because not everyone will give 5-star reviews despite freebies and it doesn’t mean the reviews will become fake. (Already missing the point, but okay)

Okay, while writing about this, I realized that I don’t actually need to write exactly what the debates are about. But in short, I wrote that I agreed with the guy and then a troll girl attacked me personally by calling me narrow minded (and some other things), even though there were so many flaws in her argument, so many that pointing it out one by one would make me seem “so desperate” for such a small thing.

At that time I was so angry and offended and I didn’t know why. In the end, I wish the best for her because that attitude either stemmed from a horrible life, or it could lead to a horrible life. I blocked her afterwards.

It’s just a random person on the internet, with a fake account, why would I be so bothered by that?

Maybe it’s expectation.

Expectation that in debates, people can talk respectfully and trying to find an understanding from each POV. And when that troll shared her pov, I understood hers, but I don’t think she understood mine because she dismissed all of my opinions and blatantly attacked personally.

But then I realizes it’s not actually that troll’s problem. The problem is in me.

Why for such a small unimportant thing, it could bother me so much? I was usually not like this.

Is it because of unmet expectation?

Is it because I hold pride in my intellect?

Is it because I’m not busy enough?

Or is it because when you’re kind, you expect everyone to also be kind?

Or is it something in her words?

I imagined her words were like poison, and that poison can hurt someone else. The poison then hurts someone else, on and on it goes and eventually at one point it returns to its owner. That’s how karma works. But the poison I received, I will neutralize it with me. I will not let it hurt other people, let it end with me.

Then I realized that to be kind, you also have to be strong.

What I write here will mostly like peeking into my brain. How I think. How I processed information.

I will, of course, make mistakes. I would say, often. I’m far from perfect. While writing this, again I can feel my pride seeping out by my boldness of admitting mistakes.

Don’t take my posts too seriously.

Just think of this as a recap of how a human named Boris, aged 29, thinks. How I think will also change time to time, which is so obvious I actually shouldn’t even mention. People change their mind all the time.

But at this age, I feel like I understand how the world works. Something I tried to figure in my younger years. That’s why I start to make these writings.

The absence of disturbance is a blessing.

As I am writing this, I am on a treadmill going 4 km/h on 15 degree incline. Just 5 minutes ago, there was someone also doing treadmill right beside me, and boy he smelt horrible. I wish I could somehow communicate with him about his terrible smell but in this society honesty is often unappreciated.

If it was me, I would appreciate it much if someone pointed out something from me that disturbed everyone else.

And then that got me thinking, when we are alone, there’s actually many things to be grateful for.

The absence of unholy smell.

The absence of others’ wishes that are against my will.

The bliss of nothingness.

The chance to rest.

The chance to focus.

The chance to be.

“Your seven deadly sins must be wrath.”

Laughter erupted when I mentioned this to my hangry friend after he had been complaining angrily about his meal which hadn’t come.

Then I continued to my other female friend,

“Yours must be lust.”

I splurted it out just randomly, I didn’t even know if she was that lustful. I just thought since in the seven deadly sins, the only female was Lilith, the representation of lust, and because she was the only female in the group, she suited it perfectly.

Then conversations continued and I had forgotten how it continued. But now that I thought about it, what is my seven deadly sins?

If I put much thought about it. No, maybe just instinctively, I knew it’s pride.

I am now being brutally honest to you, reader.

If you know me, maybe you’d think I am humble and down to earth. I know that we shouldn’t boast about our wealth. I make sure to include our poorest friend. And I am quick to ask for forgiveness when someone accused me of some mistakes.

But deep down, I hold pride so dearly in my heart. It’s my biggest sin.

By humbling myself, I hold pride in being righteous.

By being kind, I hold pride in being someone better than most people.

By learning about buddhism, I hold pride in being one who knows more truth than everybody else.

I silently judge those who take advantage of other people.

I silently judge those who are hateful.

I silently judge those who think they are smarter than other people.

But I keep all those judgements in my heart, it never goes out. In that, I hold pride, too.

Leaving wrath, gluttony, lust, sloth, greed, envy is easy. Pride is indeed the greatest sin.