ABSJL (Possessed)

Big eyes, small pupils, eyes that follow you anywhere,
strands of hair, messy, a chaotic movement by a dancer, arms bent backward, feet spinning in unnatural ways, but the head kept still, its eyes locked on me.
No blood in sight, just dried black-red ink, which covers the eyes, shut forever.
Woken up in what feels like a millennia, somehow I can’t remember what happened,
but now I’m petrified, unable to move, what am I?
“Tomorrow,” I said. Always expecting that someday I might get the answer.
one day turns into a week, then a month, a year, each passing day feels like an eternity,
I no longer have patience, but what choice do I have?
I counted, I am going insane, do I exist? Am I a being? Is there a God?
Oh! What sin have I done?
It took me more 500 years to know what I am now, a stone statue.
And it took me another 300 years to know what time that was.
Now is 2025, this body I possessed, gave me a chance to explain what I am,
This kind man, knowing I’m trapped in this accursed ancient item, pulled me in and let me talk,
At that time, it was my birth and I gave myself a name, ABSJL.
I only wish to die. To disappear. To never is or was. Let me.
I crushed this host’s head to the wall. Wishing I’d die.
As soon as I woke up, I can’t move. In front of me, a lying body of the good man.
I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry! If only I could shed tear!
All I could do is smile. Smiling to the only companion that I ever have!
I feel like I’m going insane. Ah, in being insane, I will have died! What a revelation!
So a good idea it is to start believing:
– I (the statue) am floating.
– 1 day is 60 hours.
– 60 hours is 60 seconds.
– The moon is larger than the sun.
– I think, I don’t exist.
– word s doen’t exit.
– word are now chaotic.
– rea ninglemea rdwo.
– ti ! rkwo uallyact oww.
– acepe etr I ni allyfin.

Fake Bhikkhunis

Here I am sitting in the most crowded cafe in Bandung. Beautiful place it is. With comfortable plush sofa and wood-hard armrest. Semi-romantic ambience, perfect for dating, with 26 celcius temperature and wind blowing periodically.

Then I noticed it. There are 2 lady bhikkhus, or buddhists call bhikkhunis, accompanied by another 3 unsignificant people. However, the bhikkhunis are fat. like 100-120 kg fat and height around 150-155 cm. Having learned about bhikkhus and what they practice during high school time, I can’t help but wonder.

Are bhikkhunis allowed to be fat? The same goes for bhikkhus (male one.)
Aren’t they supposed to be abstaining from worldly desires, such as desire for food?
From what I learned, any food they eat, will be eaten with care as such not to be eaten as delicacy. Food is just to survive, I reckon.

Then I thought, in such a short time, there can only be 3 explanations:
– they have been fat before they join the Sangha (basically the brotherhood of bhikkhus)
– they are not careful in their practices
– medical issues, though unlikely since there are both of them
– fake bhikkhunis

Doubting is important

If you never doubt, and are always sure about everything, you certainly the biggest fool for the essence of intelligence is through doubt. I speak from experience when speaking with someone so full of conviction, seems like he never wants to be on the losing side, even though conversation is not even a battle, so the losing side is nonexistent, only truth.

Have you ever met someone, having said something, he tried so hard to defend his previously said argument, however out of common sense it was? He defended his argument not because it was the truth but because he already said it. That guy, I said, is definitely an imbecile. And to be honest, there are quite a lot of these kind of people.

Sometimes I think, what is the point of writing this. What is the point of pointing out what I think about these people. Like, if someone reads this, what is the insight that they can get? Wouldn’t they think I’m an arrogant?

To be honest, I don’t know. Maybe I just want someone to know, and maybe some of the readers will feel, “I feel it too.”

Real work

I have noticed that people who do real work, are the ones neither “love” their job (and convincing themselves they love it) or hate their job (no shit.) They are the ones who show up, do what needs to be done, they do what the boss tells them to (about the job of course,) and then they’re done.

Maybe the people who are bad at their work compensate their incompetence by loving or hating their job, if that makes sense.

My faith about buddhism is probably different from yours

In my house we have a living stoic philosopher.

He is my father.

I think he is the most well made man in 21st century.

He has mastered anger management to the point where he very very rarely gets angry. He is only angry when necessary and when he wants to assert control. He never gives anger out wastefully. In other words, he never gets angry just to feel better, or out of lack of control.

All of those are learned. At his youth, he was full of anger until he learned how to manage his anger management. However, it caused him his depression. He told us it was because of work pressure, but I also think maybe holding anger contributed to it, too.

Other than his anger management, my father is definitely a thinker. He likes to have some alone time, which he said is his time to be with himself and contemplate. If you spare some time to have a talk with him, I’m sure it will be a great time for you. Although his prime time was probably around 5 years ago. Because it can’t be denied that age started to be unkind to him. I mean, he’s not as sharp.

Whenever I go to the temple (vihara,) I never feel any different. Basically all the bhantes teach us, I already know. To me, it is an easy common sense that everyone should have already known. Even worse, the things bhantes teach us, they tell us in slow motion. It bores the hell out of me (no offense, bhante, surely none taken if he is a true bhikkhu.)

And I do think we should treat bhantes just like a normal person. No need for ceremonial or acting too respectful to them. We should respect all people all the same, including them. No need to see and treat them as holy people. They are just the same as us, no wiser and holier than us, difference is, they chose to follow Buddha’s vinaya and spread his teachings. Please keep in mind that I’m not asking you to disrespect bhikkhus. The mindset that all bhikkhus are wiser and holier is one that has to be abolished. It all depends on each individuals.

In buddhism, I always practice Buddha’s teachings according to Buddha. I have a picture of how Buddha thinks and how Buddha behaves. And I always see Buddha as a stoic, very wise person, even I know deep down in my heart, Buddha doesn’t wish his followers (or Buddha would prefer, Dhamma followers) to be blinded by faith, by his own teachings. Buddha wanted his followers to not overly preach him, even, didn’t preach him at all. Buddha wanted his followers to find happiness, and the way to true happiness, he found, was through his teachings.

Buddhism

Although I mentioned in previous post I don’t believe in fiction books. Of course. Anyone shouldn’t believe in fiction books. Fiction books are fictional, after all. Even you should question history books, as it can be manipulated. Basically, always be skeptical and question everything. Only after you practice and you find it true, then you believe it. Even with this belief, you must note the conditions that precedes it.

I am a buddhist, and I have always been a buddhist since I was a child. It got down from my parents, although they don’t go to temple often. Maybe once a year, or sometimes don’t at all. They believe in Buddha’s teachings, in karma and in reincarnation.

And Buddha’s teaching has been engraved within me because in school we studied it.

Basically Buddha taught the humanity the way to true happiness. Buddha itself started his journey to solve all painful things in the world, sickness, old age, and death. And he found that for true happiness to be achieved, we practice meditation, until at a level, you can remove all wanting and wishing in heart. The meditation he practiced is where the magic happens. Without wanting and wishing, we are in a state of happiness, or in buddhism, we reach the state of Nibbana or Nirvana. And during his journey to spread his teachings, he also teaches philosophical things to regular daily goers who don’t wish to reach Nirvana about how to live their lives.

If you read teachings of the Buddha, all of them make sense. It doesn’t require you to believe in supernatural beings. All Buddha’s teaching can be practiced and proven. He is definitely a stoic. And somehow I think Buddha is secretly a poet.

This is one of the sutra that when I read this, I feel my eyes are teared up.

Sand castles (yogacara bhumi sutra)

	Some children were playing beside a river. They made
	castles of sand, and each child defended his castle and
	said, "This one is mine." They kept their castles
	separate and would not allow any mistakes about which
	was whose.

	When the castles were all finished, one child
	kicked over someone else's castle and completely
	destroyed it. The owner of the castle flew into a rage,
	pulled the other child's hair, struck him with his fist
	and bawled out, "He has spoiled my castle! Come along
	all of you and help me to punish him as he deserves."
	The others all came to his help. They beat the child
	with a stick and then stamped on him as he lay on the
	ground....

	Then they went on playing in their sand castles, each
	saying, "This is mine; no one else may have it. Keep
	away! Don't touch my castle!"

	But evening came, it was getting dark and they all
	thought they ought to be going home. No one now cared
	what became of his castle. One child stamped on his,
	another pushed his over with both hands. Then they
	turned away and went back, each to his home.

MBTI

I’m a very scientific person, I don’t believe in superstition, ghosts, and fiction books that most people believe. If someone tells me they can see ghosts, well I think he’s schizophrenic. And about seeing ghosts = schizophrenic, I have a theory (or more accurately, hypothesis,) that it’s just an oversensitivity. And this oversensitivity is applied towards everything, from electromagnetic waves, increase in humidity, for particles in air. And somehow this oversensitivity is easier translated into their vision, thus they see ghosts. Spare a minute to imagine an alien coming to earth, but they don’t have bodily organ to detect sound waves. It will be amusing to them that without seeing each other, people can communicate complicated things. This one is more likely like that. If you are one of the “gifted” kids, am I right?

All being said, I don’t believe 100% in what I said either, maybe just around 50%, it’s just one speculation I made about those people, which is unproven and shouldn’t be taken seriously.

There is also an MBTI test. Although scientific community has rebuked it because it is mostly useless as predictor for career success etc, I hold true in its truth partly because how much it resonates with me. What does it even mean? Well since I was little, I have found myself often misunderstood. The odd one out. Like how I am, people mostly don’t understand, and to be fair I don’t understand them. And when I first stumbled upon MBTI, after every test it came out differently, but in truth I am an INTP. My I, N, T, keeps changing in test, they’re mostly around 50% something, but my P is very strong (no pun intended.) The changes in my first 3 letters were because to adjust to society, I have been shaping myself, adapting to the environment I’m living in, because deep down I also have a need to be acknowledged.

At first I was just, oh I’m an INTP, what does it mean? And then after looking and searching on the internet, there were a lot of my strange behaviors, my way of thinking, of viewing things, how my analytical mind operates, how we see patterns better than everyone, it resonated a lot with an INTP. Suddenly I have a group of people who operates mostly in the same way as I did. It was a big deal to me at the time because of how eye-opening it was. Finally I’m not the weird one out anymore.

Being said that, if scientific community have decided that MBTI doesn’t really predict career success, I definitely agree. Because career success has a lot of deciding factors, not only MBTI. Even a very introverted person can become a very successful salesperson. For me myself, I never anchored to MBTI to make decisions, at all. Knowing MBTI is simply a bandage to my damaged soul who has been lonely for a very long time. Finally, someone understands me!

Usually I will stop right here, but I still want to do more yapping about MBTI related topic.

From my life, I have found I am easier to make friends with INTJs.
INTJs are mostly smart, intuitive, from the available informations, they can also predict more things. I find them to be intellectually challenging, they also know a whole lot of things. To be honest, I can’t find one negative thing about INTJs. Maybe if I should find one, it’s that they are quite rigid in determining what’s right and what’s wrong. Whereas for me, I always insert “intention” behind everything that is being done. Like for example, when someone is stereotyping certain races, for example Madurans for their behavior to steal metals, I will see into their intention. Do they mean to belittle certain race? Or are they simply pointing out their observation? To me the latter is acceptable, because I myself are a pattern seeker. Pattern exists. No use to pretend to deny them.

INFJs are also smart and have stronger intuition than me. Sometimes their prediction and guesses are so amazing you should imagine myself jaw-dropping at them multiple times. But in regard to emotions, most times they are a little bit too much for the emotionless me. Like often I don’t understand them. I mean, I understand how their emotions overwhelmed them. But I can’t relate to them. So mostly I am confused when for example they tell me their sad stories. And sometimes with them, I can’t be as comfortable as I am with an INTJ, because they are too sensitive and somehow I feel like they have high expectation about how they want to be treated. I like to make jokes and say some unserious things, and most INFJs take my words seriously. Maybe they put high value to words? In short, miscommunications often happen with them.

With fellow INTPs…… well not a lot to be said aside that they are too cold…. Am I? I feel like I’m pretty warm. Warmly cold? Coldly warm? I once read someone says that INTPs are warmest robots and INTJs are coldest humans. I think that’s true. If I try to look inside myself, I see two people, a child and an old man. The child is curious and full of wonder, and also likes to play a lot. The old man is wise, but also lazy, and he seems like he knows everything. Very rarely I make friends with INTPs. I don’t know why. Maybe their need to always be right somehow irritates me? Lmao the irony. Maybe I irritate people, too, I just don’t know it yet.

And then ENTPs. I think I will be good friends with this type. We balance and understand each other. I see them as the extroverted version of me. I think he will be perfect.

And finally come the S-types. I am frustrated a lot by this type. Sometimes when speaking with them, we are on different wavelengths. I feel like they are unable to see patterns. From available informations, they can’t figure things out. Too data based. If N-types are Leonardo da Vinci, then S-types are Raphael. If N-types are Albert Einstein, then S-types are his research assistant. They will be a good doer because they do everything data based, but a bad conceptor because they lack the creativity to invent things. Being said that, I think the best approach should be someone who balances his intuition with reality. Too N-types won’t get anything done and will make unrealistic concept. Too S-types lack creativity.

Okay, after much yapping, I think I am done writing about this (nonsense.)
A thing to be noted though, although I believe MBTI hold some truth, but I always make sure this knowledge doesn’t create prejudice. After all, our opinions about someone should be formed from someone’s actions, including their spoken words, written words, facial expressions, movements, opinions, things they have done, things they will do, and combinations of other things.

Question for the Philosopher

This is a question for all believers of any religion.

What if one day God finally shows Himself.
He is indeed all-powerful, all-knowing, almighty.
However, he is not benevolent. Malevolent, even.
He instructs us to do sacrifices, killing our children, and serving them to Him.
He instructs us to bid wars against each other.

However, God decides He will not take your free will.
You still have the ability to decide.
Will you still worship Him?

Your answer will determine whether,
you worship Him because He is good.
or
you worship Him because He is the strongest.

Cool looking people

I don’t know if everyone else experienced this or not.

But I used to feel intimidated by cool looking people, by foreigners, by tall people (ridiculously tall,) by people in suits. It’s hard to explain what the feeling exactly feels like. If I try to put it into words, maybe it’s the feeling that they are better than me, and instead of feeling okay with it, I made an invisible defense mechanism, feeling threatened, or else.

And I don’t know when or how, but that feeling disappears now, at all. Like now, I don’t even think about them at all, because I know beneath all the attributes, they are humans just like me. The humans that do silly things, that are vulnerable, and want to have fun. Or is it maybe because of all the privileges that I have now? Having money makes you look at the world differently.

or maybe along the way, in my experiences, I learned about it.

I don’t like people who feel the need to look “strong.” Usually this character shows up in group setting, do you know one person who is so insecure that he always have to be right? That’s the kind of person I dislike. But strangely, if it’s only the two of us, suddenly that bad characteristic vanishes.

Why can’t we be humans and just have fun?